🔗 Share this article

As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I fall back to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that therapy might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This approach will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.